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maria71
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Registered: ‎12-11-2009
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How can I persuade my husband to move?

[ Edited ]

We bought this house 3 years ago. I didn't like it but my husband loved it.  I had to agree to buy it as there were not many options out there. It has a big lot, which my husband loves the most, but small closet, small bathroom, dark living room... I always wanted to move but our budget has been tight, so couldn't really think about it.

 

My son will go to Kindergarten next year, so I want to move to a better school district as we can spend the pre-school tuition to the morgage!! But my husband doesn't want to move as (1) he likes the house (2) it's not a top one but still fairly good school district. Most importantly, (3) moving is such a hassle.

 

Yes, I know it's really a hassle. In order to move, we have to sell the house first and move to an apartment and try to find a new home for a couple of months or even longer. I just don't think I can ever persuade my husbad to agree with the plan.

 

Do you guys ever experience this? Should I give it up?

 
Message Edited by maria71 on 12-11-2009 12:08 PM
Regular Contributor
JAFO
Posts: 62
Registered: ‎09-22-2009

Re: How can I persuade my husband to move?

[ Edited ]

Have you tried consistant guilt trips and nagging until he finally concedes due to exasperation?!?!?!

 

j/k!

 

Seriously though, this can be a tough sell because your husband really likes the place, but maybe if you can convince him to just look at what houses are out there for the price, you guys may find something that you and he both like better than your present house. 

 

Use the argument that, right now, what you can get for the money is much better than it was 3 years ago. 

 

You might also want to suggest the option of renting your current house out if you purchase a new one.  This way he gets to keep this house and you may even be able to make some income from it.

Message Edited by JAFO on 12-11-2009 01:06 PM
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Nanomug
Posts: 10,327
Registered: ‎05-30-2009

Re: How can I persuade my husband to move?

It's sometimes a long process to align priorities and to make life work for the whole family.  I learned over time that I can't make anyone do something that they don't want to.  And if I push someone into a corner to get my desires it doesn't work out.

 

It sounds like there are several conversations that need to be had and to come to an agreement over:

 

1)  Why you hate the house and what could be done to make it work for you

 

2)  What are the goals for your son's education? What options are available to accomplish the goals?  How much involvement will each of you have in your son's education?  Are you looking to volunteer in the classroom, spend time learning outside the classroom or looking for a school that will take care of everything?

 

3)  What would be gained by moving?  And could the whole process happen prior to school starting?

 

4)  If you move to an apartment, will you be able to move to one in the desired school district?  And if you haven't found a home by the time school starts will you be able to find a home within the boundary of the elementary school your son starts at?  Changing schools in kindergarten can be a big pain.   

 

We've been relocated several times and some were easier than others.  Moving during the school year was difficult at times.  The youngest had a had time moving during first grade.   

 

 

Silver Contributor
NKMom
Posts: 494
Registered: ‎10-30-2009

Re: How can I persuade my husband to move?

The other posters already pointed out some great ideas.

 

But if I may, I would like to pose the following questions to you:

 

1)  All the things you dislike about your current house...are they cosmetic?  Perhaps instead of moving, you can do a remodel, like reconfigure the bathrooms to make them more functional, repainting and/or adding windows to the living room to brighten it up?  Or perhaps your dislikes go beyond superficial fixes.

 

2)  As with your son's school, are you looking at API scores to determine how well established a school district is?  Have you visited the school in your area?  Perhaps you can take a tour or ask to sit in a class (I made several requests for my children, and depending on the teachers, some may allow you to sit in).  Perhaps the school in your area may already be quite academically rigorous, they just aren't THE top school.

 

Purchasing a home has to be a mutual decision.  Imagine you finally moving into the house of your choice, but your husband hates it.  Then it will be his turn to persuade you to move.  But be careful, the idea of THE dream home is illusory...if you can find a home which encompasses most items on your wish list, you're already well ahead of others.

 

So, maybe your whole family can take a drive to your target area this weekend...he may fall in love with a house there...or at least find something he will say, "I don't mind living in that."  Perhaps then, it will be easier to change his mind.

 

:smileyhappy:

Regular Contributor
CrimsonWife
Posts: 175
Registered: ‎05-28-2009
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Re: How can I persuade my husband to move?


NKMom wrote:

 

 All the things you dislike about your current house...are they cosmetic?  Perhaps instead of moving, you can do a remodel, like reconfigure the bathrooms to make them more functional, repainting and/or adding windows to the living room to brighten it up? 

A remodel was the first thing that came to my mind. Contractors are hurting for work right now and there are also good deals to be found on home furnishings. Landscaping changes may also be a way to brighten up a dark area in your home.

 

The school issue is a trickier one. Have you looked into magnet programs (many districts offer these), charter schools, private schools, or homeschooling? We personally homeschool our children through a virtual charter program that provides $1800/year for curricula & classes.

Trusted Contributor
DrAtomic
Posts: 107
Registered: ‎11-05-2009
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Re: How can I persuade my husband to move?

Bear with me trying to play internet psychologist...

 

You cite your reasons for wanting to move, and "most importantly" is to avoid the hassle of moving.  Unless one of you owns a cubic yard of tungsten bricks and the other collects 1/4-scale crystal giraffes, moving just isn't THAT much of a hassle.  Sure, it takes a dedicated weekend and boxes linger for weeks or months, but overall its not the kind of thing that solicits so much as a sympathy card from a sappy friend.

 

That sentiment seems to indicate you're not actually that upset about the house itself.  Rather, I'm going to guess that you're more upset about the PROCESS by which you and your husband bought a house.  It sounds like you don't think your input was valued as much as it should have been, and that lingering bitterness is making you resent the flaws you see in the house now.

 

So here's what I think you have to do.  First appreciate things about the house you have.  The fact that your husband really likes it should be a positive for you as well, independent of your own feelings about it.  Next, you need to find a way to communicate to you husband that you have concerns related to your collective housing situation that he needs to give their due consideration.  This step is hard and there's no one way to go about it.  Once you have at least marginally accomplished that, you can make a much better decision about your future.  Maybe, as others suggest, you would feel happier about the house with some renovations: windows, skylights, additional bedroom storage units.  Let him know that those things need to be at the top of the list in order for you to be happier.

 

Good luck in any case.  Attempting to "persuade" him through anything but very direct, simple, open communication will probably not work.

Super Contributor
UhOh
Posts: 342
Registered: ‎07-17-2009
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Re: How can I persuade my husband to move?


maria71 wrote:

We bought this house 3 years ago. I didn't like it but my husband loved it.  I had to agree to buy it as there were not many options out there. It has a big lot, which my husband loves the most, but small closet, small bathroom, dark living room... I always wanted to move but our budget has been tight, so couldn't really think about it.

 My son will go to Kindergarten next year, so I want to move to a better school district as we can spend the pre-school tuition to the morgage!! But my husband doesn't want to move as (1) he likes the house (2) it's not a top one but still fairly good school district. Most importantly, (3) moving is such a hassle.

 Yes, I know it's really a hassle. In order to move, we have to sell the house first and move to an apartment and try to find a new home for a couple of months or even longer. I just don't think I can ever persuade my husbad to agree with the plan.

 Do you guys ever experience this? Should I give it up?

 Message Edited by maria71 on 12-11-2009 12:08 PM

 

Three years ago... Sounds like you may have possible purchased your property close to the peak of the housing bubble.  You might check your financials to determine if making a move from one property to another property is even financially possible, given the tougher lending practices.

 

School Districts can be important.  But, not as important as being involved in your child's education and making sure they keep up on their studies.

 

If timed correctly, the sale of your property and the purchase of another property may not require living in an apartment.

 

 

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Smurf
Posts: 511
Registered: ‎03-27-2008
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Re: How can I persuade my husband to move?

Well, if you need an internet forum to figure out your husband then maybe you are solving the wrong problem? 

 

At the end of the day, the majority of men are basically driven by three major factors: food, sex, and praise (no specific order).  Any smart woman can get whatever she wants from a man with nearly ZERO hassles if she's bright enough to successfully manage these three fundamental needs.

 

Frankly, Dr. Laura annoys the hell out of me, but I have to admit that on relationships she's pretty good.  Try buying or borrowing "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands", which is basically a "how to" manual for getting whatever you want from your husband.

 

If you haven't been overly tainted by modern feminism, you could probably persuade your husband to move before the new year (and buy you a new car...).

 

 

 

 

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DrAtomic
Posts: 107
Registered: ‎11-05-2009
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Re: How can I persuade my husband to move?


Smurf wrote:

Well, if you need an internet forum to figure out your husband then maybe you are solving the wrong problem? 

 

At the end of the day, the majority of men are basically driven by three major factors: food, sex, and praise (no specific order).  Any smart woman can get whatever she wants from a man with nearly ZERO hassles if she's bright enough to successfully manage these three fundamental needs.

 

Frankly, Dr. Laura annoys the hell out of me, but I have to admit that on relationships she's pretty good.  Try buying or borrowing "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands", which is basically a "how to" manual for getting whatever you want from your husband.

 

If you haven't been overly tainted by modern feminism, you could probably persuade your husband to move before the new year (and buy you a new car...).

 

 

 

 


I guess this was what the girls were learning while the boys were learning math.   Really, this formula is way too complicated.  Men absolutely do not need praise to function.  We're trained from a very young age that any attention, even "bad" degrading emotioanlly-painful attention, from a woman is is rare enough to be valuable by itself.  If a woman ever genuinely praised a man, it would be like a dog catching a car it was chasing.

 

Tell your husband to put in a skylight.  If he's any kind of a man he'll either do it himself or make sure someone else does it for him.  You will be happier because he will have done something to let you know he values you.  He will be happier when you let him know he has done something that pleases you.  Your kid will be happier because you and your husband are happier.

Silver Contributor
Smurf
Posts: 511
Registered: ‎03-27-2008
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Re: How can I persuade my husband to move?

[ Edited ]

Dr.Atomic wrote:

 

Tell your husband to put in a skylight. 


Yes, the piece I left out was "dragon slaying"; in a healthy relationship most men love a project that will make their wife happy (resulting in praise, sex, and food..LOL)

 

Unfortunately, many women would just nag about the sky light: It's not done yet, how long is this going to take?  Are those tools going to be here forever?  Maybe you should ask my brother/father/uncle to come over and help you?  It's not going to leak is it?

 

And when it's done, they say something like "it's okay, but I wish it were over there instead of right under the kitchen" (where she asked for it.).

 

Joking aside, I think the notion that men are simplistic animals that can be plied with the basics is demeaning, but apparently it applies to enought folks that Dr. Laura's book made the New York Times best seller list

Message Edited by Smurf on 12-12-2009 08:57 AM